*TRIGGER WARNING*
If you have ED please proceed with caution.
A scale is one of the most common items in people’s bathrooms, seemingly harmless, but the scale has a dark side for a lot of people; a side that includes pain, torture and self hate.
If you didn’t know, this past February I entered treatment for my Eating Disorder, which has controlled my life for so many years. A big part of my ED was weighing myself. So if the scale made me feel bad, and I wouldn’t eat. Most mornings I would get up, go to the bathroom, undress and weigh myself. I couldn’t focus unless I knew that number. I was never happy with this number, even if I had lost weight. When the scale had gone down, I would take that as a sign to eat (and by eat I mean binge). I would eat huge amounts of “bad” food, hide it from friends and family, just because it was what I was craving and it made me feel good in that moment.
Then, the next day, the scale would go up, and in result, I would restrict my food intake to coffee and something “light” and sometimes nothing at all.
The scale was an important part of a very unhealthy cycle for me. A cycle I really wanted to break. A cycle I needed to break.
In treatment, we had blind weigh-ins every morning, and when I first got there, I would always try to take a peek at the scales. My brain thought it needed to know. I was in treatment and I was still terrified of my weight. Why? Well, because my whole life, friends, family, strangers, boyfriends, and doctors would say hurtful things about my weight. They would say things like, “you would be so pretty if you lost a couple pounds” or “do you not care about what other people think of you?” “If you tried harder you would be beautiful.”and Of course I cared, no one could really see how hard I was trying. I have an invisible illness and no one could see how hurt and broken I was… Not even the people closest to me. No
While at treatment, I learned lots of things, but the most important one is, the scale has NO power! Absolutely none. I was giving the scale the power it was never supposed to have. The only people I need approval from is myself and God. Other people’s opinions are not worth my tears, my time, making myself physically and mentally sick and beating myself up. I learned what self love and health at every size truly is. I learned that I am beautiful no matter what a scale says. It was the most freeing thing I had ever done and I felt amazing.
I lost friends, memories and myself to my ED and I realized I had to let go. I let go of the power of people’s words. I let go of judgements and, most importantly, I let go of my scale. I became free. I got rid of my scale for freedom over my life and body. I haven’t weighted myself in 6 months and it has been the best 6 months of my entire life. I finally am free. If you’re reading this and you have resonated with at least a little bit of my story, just know, that you are NOT alone. You can declare freedom over your life too. Just take a breath and take that first step.
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